http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/The ramblings and rants of a an angry young man who is getting old. en-UKMokoFeed10http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/f6/3ef9604b12996701b03e976569e706_160x200.jpghttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/10/corn_corned_beef_and_spam_fritters~298104/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-11-10:/2005/11/10/corn_corned_beef_and_spam_fritters~298104/Thu, 10 Nov 2005 20:39:28 +0100 <p> Why is it called CORNED BEEF? It has no sodding corn in it. If it had those foul little bits of corn in it then I wouldn’t eat it.</p> <p>One of the least known facts is that there has only ever been one ton of corn discovered?</p> <p>Yes, it is true, corn is rarer than gold.</p> <p>The reason why it appears so common is that it passes untouched through the body, so when you are giving birth to an otter the said otter drops out of your spam fritter and goes straight down the dung trumpet.</p> <p>As soon as it reaches the sewage works your Mersey trout is pushed through a filter which collects all the sweetcorn. This is then rinsed and half is sent back to the cannery, the other half is glued onto pine cones that are stuck together and sold as “fresh” sweetcorn.</p> <p>See, you never buy sweetcorn, you only rent it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/10/corn_corned_beef_and_spam_fritters~298104/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>otterspam-fritterhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/10/corn_corned_beef_and_spam_fritters~298104/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/09/dogging_a_final_solution~295243/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-11-09:/2005/11/09/dogging_a_final_solution~295243/Wed, 09 Nov 2005 16:28:17 +0100 <p>Dogging.</p> <p>A member of a website that I am a moderator for asked for suggestions as to what he should do to amuse himself at the expense of the local doggers.</p> <p>For those not in the know dogging is the term for making the beast with two backs in a public place for the entertainment of, or to encourage participation by, anyone else who is around.</p> <p>Many suggestions included blank rounds, flares, fireworks, joining in, etc. After reading this and references to watching flabby, hairy buttocks moving up and down I had a thought. Being an inventive chap my thought was to charge from behind on a mountain bike with the business end of a bass broom like a Victoian lancer.</p> <p>Once it is up his hoop just let go and the wrist strap will do the rest. He should flick across the carpark with manfat shooting out of his wallnut whip as it wrenched his prostate gland out with a force similar to teeing off at St Andrews.</p> <p>I don’t know why but some thought this a little extreme.</p> <p>My next thought was that if you did this every night for a week you could collect the wrenched out hoops and make a game of deck quoits with them.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/09/dogging_a_final_solution~295243/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>dogginghttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/09/dogging_a_final_solution~295243/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/08/mib_promises_to_write_more_often~293675/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-11-08:/2005/11/08/mib_promises_to_write_more_often~293675/Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:21:50 +0100 <p>I must write more often.<br> I must write more often.<br> I must write more often.<br> I must write more often.<br> I must write more often.<br> I must write more often.</p> <p>I thought I would write a few lines in the blog.</p> <p>Arf arf.</p> <p>The spousal unit is doing a play at the local theatre this week and so MiB is OIC Children.</p> <p>By the end of the week I will have them standing to attention and saluting at the end of meals.</p> <p>I think I may invest in a bosun's whistle like Christopher Plumber in the Sound of Music.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/08/mib_promises_to_write_more_often~293675/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/11/08/mib_promises_to_write_more_often~293675/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/10/03/the_noble_art_of_rubber_dicking~214393/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-10-03:/2005/10/03/the_noble_art_of_rubber_dicking~214393/Mon, 03 Oct 2005 17:49:21 +0200 <p>A military thought occurred to me today. As a young NCO I was always being rubber dicked by the RSM or one of the other senior NCOs.</p> <p>About five minutes ago, whilst giving birth to an otter, it dawned on me that no rubber dicking has taken place for about 15 years. In recent years I have been f*[£ed over, stitched up and a**e raped but I miss the old days of rubber dicking.</p> <p>Does anyone still get rubber dicked or is that out of fashion now?</p> <p>It is interesting how the language of a trade or job changes so quickly. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/10/03/the_noble_art_of_rubber_dicking~214393/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/10/03/the_noble_art_of_rubber_dicking~214393/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/18/harry_potter_and_the_rectal_prolapse/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-07-18:/2005/07/18/harry_potter_and_the_rectal_prolapse/Mon, 18 Jul 2005 10:40:41 +0200 <p>So, the latest improbably named book has been released, the queues have gone and the wife has read it from cover to cover within 23 hours.</p> <p>Whilst she was out yesterday I had a conversation with the kids about which of the main characters would be the next one to die in the saga. We decided that it must be either Mrs Weasley, Dumbledore or Hagrid. As they could add to the story by snuffing it whereas Mr Weasley is destined for greater things and Ron and Hermione are too central to lose.</p> <p>This made an interesting half hour diversion.</p> <p>Later in the day, as I was starting to read the book the kids burst into the room shouting, “It’s #### who dies, we looked at the back of the book.”</p> <p>Well, thank you, that saves me six hundred pages of reading.</p> <p>Kids, can’t live with them, can’t bury them under the patio.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/18/harry_potter_and_the_rectal_prolapse/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/18/harry_potter_and_the_rectal_prolapse/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/14/bars_smoking_and_murphy/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-07-14:/2005/07/14/bars_smoking_and_murphy/Thu, 14 Jul 2005 17:47:22 +0200 <p>I had to go to Ireland on business this week. Not one of my favourite destinations as it is a bit too familiar.</p> <p>I had a couple of Murphy’s finest and a bar snack before retiring to a sweaty room for the night. </p> <p>When I packed my bag the following morning I realised that my clothes didn’t stink like “pub”</p> <p>Smoking in bars is banned in Ireland, I really didn’t care until I went in a no smoking bar and realised how nice it is.</p> <p>Excellent idea…..ban smoking in bars and restaurants.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/14/bars_smoking_and_murphy/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/14/bars_smoking_and_murphy/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/06/biff_chits_bosses_headhunters_and_gettin/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-07-06:/2005/07/06/biff_chits_bosses_headhunters_and_gettin/Wed, 06 Jul 2005 13:06:42 +0200 <p>Five years ago, when I sold my own business, I was unemployable. I had gone through 150 job applications, over 50 interviews and received 3 verbal job offers that all failed to materialise. One company even told me what company car I was getting before going strangely quiet. After 18 months of broken promises I was at a low ebb and the money was running out.</p> <p>By 2004 I was running another small business and hating it when I was offered a job, out of the blue, by an organisation that was a control and advisory body funded by the Government.</p> <p>I enjoyed the job for a few months until my boss resigned and the bullying started; he had been chased out and now it was the turn of all those associated with him. The last person to try bullying me had been offered a kneecap-fire extinguisher interface and everything had settled down so I didn't think anything of this when it started. Within two months I was leaving the doctors with a “biff chit” in my hand and all prospects looking gloomy.</p> <p>A few days later I was called by a recruitment company who were looking for an aerospace engineering bod with sales experience or vice versa. Within a few weeks I was suddenly working for a major blue chip with a clear plan of succession and me as the focus of it.</p> <p>So all is happy in my world and the money is okay as well, not spectacular but okay.</p> <p>Then last week I received a phone call from a man who introduced himself with the words, “I won’t beat about the bush, I’m a head hunter.”</p> <p>Now I find myself with an even higher profile blue chip company wanting to see me for a chat about joining them.</p> <p>It seems that a bit of experience is back in fashion.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/06/biff_chits_bosses_headhunters_and_gettin/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/07/06/biff_chits_bosses_headhunters_and_gettin/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/30/i_ve_reached_that_age_when/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-30:/2005/06/30/i_ve_reached_that_age_when/Thu, 30 Jun 2005 10:11:43 +0200 <p> About a year ago I noticed a tickle on the underside of my nose. I kept rubbing it and it went away only to come back a few minutes later.</p> <p>After some initial investigation and a minute in front of the mirror pulling my nostrils back over the top of my forehead whilst trying to displace my eyes to one side in order to look under my arm I discovered I have reached that certain age when the hair in the nose is equal to the hair in your eyebrows.</p> <p>Since then, in an attempt to counter the deforestation of the Amazon basin my nose hair has spread and taken on a life of its own.</p> <p>I have spent a year risking nose bleeds and sudden death whilst sticking scissors in the front of my head in an attempt to control the jungle growth.</p> <p>I did think of trying a kukri or a golong or some similar fearsome hand axe type of device but the chances of having my eye out were too great.</p> <p>I am now determined that at the weekend I will purchase one of those rotary nose hair clippers.</p> <p>Having types that it strikes me that this device sounds like it is for clipping rotary noses….have you ever seen a rotary nose?</p> <p>Strange language.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/30/i_ve_reached_that_age_when/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>nose-hairhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/30/i_ve_reached_that_age_when/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/27/mice_and_screaming_women/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-27:/2005/06/27/mice_and_screaming_women/Mon, 27 Jun 2005 10:23:59 +0200 <p>We have mice in the kitchen.</p> <p>A couple of days ago I saw a shadow scuttle across the kitchen floor as I walked into the room. With a house that is almost 110 years old you are going to get mice occasionally.</p> <p>MiB, being a brave sort of chap, set out a mouse trap baited with peanut butter in the kitchen cupboard with the most mouse evidence…….about 8 million dried mouse poos.</p> <p>Nothing.</p> <p>The following afternoon I moved the trap to another cupboard. The as I boiled the kettle Wifeinblack opened the cupboard door and screamed like a screaming thing!</p> <p>What is the deal with women and mice? She screamed and it was already dead. The mouse could not have been any less of a threat to her if it had taken holy orders as a Buddhist. Over the next 18 hours two more mice went to meet their rodent God care of the same trap.</p> <p>She admitted to being scared of mice but this is a little bit of an over reaction.</p> <p>So can anybody explain why a 30 gramme herbivore can cause women to freak out?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/27/mice_and_screaming_women/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>micehttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/27/mice_and_screaming_women/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/27/the_tooth_fairy_and_other_lies/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-27:/2005/06/27/the_tooth_fairy_and_other_lies/Mon, 27 Jun 2005 10:11:45 +0200 <p> We spend so much of our time trying to get our children to be honest in their relationships. We punish them when they tell lies yet at the same time we perpetrate some giant porkies on our kids.</p> <p>Daughterinblack is 10 years old. Last weekend she pulled out a tooth and proudly told us about it. She was told to place it in the little silver tooth fairy pot and as a matter of course the tooth fairy will come along and collect the tooth in exchange for a small amount of money.</p> <p>Cut to later in the evening, Daughterinblack was still awake in bed so we both went into the room; her mother distracted her whilst I snuck the pot out of the room to snaffle the tooth and leave the money but lo and behold there were 3 50 pence coins in the pot already.</p> <p>Confused I put the pot back and retreated to plan another campaign.</p> <p>A few minutes later I asked Daughterinblack which tooth she had lost and said I would look at it, I then feigned surprise at the 3 coins and commented that it was rather early for the tooth fairy to come as she doesn’t leave her tooth castle before midnight.</p> <p>In case you don’t know this is what the tooth fairy does with the teeth…..she has built a great big sparkly white castle out of teeth.</p> <p>Daughterinblack then admitted that she had lost the tooth in her bedroom whilst playing with it and had put the money in the pot herself so that we wouldn’t know that she had lost the tooth and be disappointed with her.</p> <p>Magically the tooth fairy still left some money and the tooth was left in the pot the following night with an IOU note to the fairy. The note was her idea.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/27/the_tooth_fairy_and_other_lies/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>liestooth-fairyhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/27/the_tooth_fairy_and_other_lies/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/15/collecting_money_in_toilets/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-15:/2005/06/15/collecting_money_in_toilets/Wed, 15 Jun 2005 20:59:57 +0200 <p>I am back from the land of ham and cheese baguettes.</p> <p>I have seen few examples of progress in France since I first went there in 1977. The police are still divided into different types who all compete to be the least helpful although they do now have some cute police officers of the lumpy jumpered type.</p> <p>The French businessmen all still wears suits a size too big with the excess material gathered around their ankles.</p> <p>HOWEVER.......</p> <p>France has progressed.</p> <p>Throughout three days in the country I did not see a single black clad spherical widow in a flowered apron intimidating money out of foreigners who use the public toilets.</p> <p>I really thought it was going to go the other way, I had even told my mother that by 2007 she would be allocated the collection rights to nine urinals and traps 4-7 in the local railway station as part of greater European integration.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/15/collecting_money_in_toilets/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>francetoiletswidowscheesehttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/15/collecting_money_in_toilets/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/12/poppies_slaughter_and_family_honour/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-12:/2005/06/12/poppies_slaughter_and_family_honour/Sun, 12 Jun 2005 01:46:40 +0200 <p>On Sunday morning, probably after you read this, I will set off for my biannual trip to Paris Airshow. In June as you drive down the A1 from Lille to Paris the poppies of the Somme valley are in full bloom. It is a beautiful yet poignant sight. </p> <p>I will make a 30 mile detour to the West to a little village called Templeux-Le-Guerard where there is a little know cemetery containing the last remains of around 700 British soldiers.</p> <p>Amongst them is my Great Uncle John, a private in the 9th Battalion “Ashton Pals” The Manchester Regiment who survived being shot in the neck on his 19th birthday in Gallipoli only to be machine gunned whilst repairing the wire in no man's land in May 1917.</p> <p>He lies alongside the other 6 members of the wiring party. There is nobody left alive on this planet who ever met 20 year old John Tindall. </p> <p>Most of us have family buried in these fields; Make the effort and remember them.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/12/poppies_slaughter_and_family_honour/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>flandersfamilyhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/12/poppies_slaughter_and_family_honour/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/11/visiting_the_lost_uncle/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-11:/2005/06/11/visiting_the_lost_uncle/Sat, 11 Jun 2005 18:41:24 +0200 <p>This afternoon I had to do one of my least favourite things…..ironing.</p> <p>Tomorrow morning I have to drive to Paris for the air show, yes that time is upon us again. I love some bits of Paris air show and hate others. The thing I really hate is the food. France has always prided itself as the world food capital yet all that is available at the show if crusty baguettes.</p> <p>After a few days of crusty baguettes and cheese one starts to get a horrible mouth; lots of little cuts all over the inside.</p> <p>On the other hand it is always worth walking past the French stands because they always have a beautiful girl in an immaculate suit sitting at the front for no reason other than very high class ornamentation.</p> <p>It wouldn’t make me want to buy an air force worth of Mirage fighters from Dassault but it does make me want to visit their stand.</p> <p>The other funny thing is looking at the history of flight from the French perspective. There were no Wright brothers in French history, the Caravelle was the first jet airliner and they built Concorde on their own. Oh yes, and they feature a vertical take off mirage from the sixties but never acknowledge the existence of the Harrier.</p> <p>I will stop on the way and visit my Great Uncle. He is near Peronne just east of the A1 road to Paris; He has been there a long time now, in fact there is nobody alive now who ever knew him. He has been there since 1917 when he was killed during a wiring mission in no man’s land. I have to go and see him so that he is not forgotten.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/11/visiting_the_lost_uncle/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>waruncleparishttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/11/visiting_the_lost_uncle/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/08/management_by_bean_counting/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-08:/2005/06/08/management_by_bean_counting/Wed, 08 Jun 2005 17:41:40 +0200 <p>I identified a problem with a product at work. We hand make these things and I thought that this was frankly ludicrous when we owned a machine that could make parts of the item for next to nothing with better quality and better repeatability.</p> <p>A good day’s work…so I naively thought.</p> <p>Then we priced it up.<br> We had to spend just under 70 thousand pounds on tooling this year and would save that money in 12 months. </p> <p>So no impact on the business is seen. </p> <p>Now common sense dictates that if I spend 70 thousand pound now and over the next 3 years I increase the profits by 210 thousand pounds then everyone is happy. In fact, we are going to be making this item for at least 25 more years so the additional profit is at least 1 ¾ million pounds at today’s prices.</p> <p>ACCOUNTS DON’T WORK ON COMMON SENSE.</p> <p>If we spend 70 thousand pounds now we won’t get that money back until June next year, and that is the next financial year. We can only invest if we get the money back in this financial year.</p> <p>So, a vast additional profit gets missed because it doesn’t fit in with the calendar of a bean counter.</p> <p>These are the same bean counters who got nasty with one of the engineers because he arrived earlier than his contract time and therefore booked too many hours work in a year. He is paid a salary so he does not get overtime. However, his bossed got hauled over the coals for being “over budget” because the guy had done too many hours each charged at £50 per hour even though this is only fictional money charged between departments.</p> <p>So the guy actually got told not to start work until 8 o’clock.</p> <p>I could weep.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/08/management_by_bean_counting/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>accountantsbusinessaccountsbean-countershttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/08/management_by_bean_counting/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/pulling_arses_out_of_fires/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-06:/2005/06/06/pulling_arses_out_of_fires/Mon, 06 Jun 2005 15:34:44 +0200 <p>This week started off just the same as the past few weeks.</p> <p>I know that I have targets to achieve in the working week. Some I set for myself and others are set for me. Every week however produces a series of spanners in the works caused by someone else not doing their job on time.</p> <p>This morning I got an email dumped on me from the United Nations. It seems that out in one of the more ….how can I put this delicately? ….out in a part of the world where taking offence at one’s neighbour may involve a knife/fork/neighbour/digestion interface scenario……anyway….it seems that they need a number of things that we make.</p> <p>And so (yes I know one should never start a sentence with And) this email has arrived giving me 7 days to come up with a manufacturing plan, packing case price, sea freight price and quotation for the items in question. Each one of these items would kill you if dropped on you, they take weeks to make yet nobody takes account of that. </p> <p>What is the urgency? The paperwork even says that the info must be valid for at least 90 days so that they can sit there with thumb up bum and brain in neutral. I get seven days to do the job, they get three months to drink coffee and wring their hands.</p> <p>Then I get asked to sort out 3 Japanese visitors…none of who look like they have been hiding in the Philippines since 1945 fortunately, plan a trip to Paris airshow “…………….. and don’t forget to keep on top of the tasks we have already set you.”</p> <p>Later on I will wind a broom handle up my hoop and sweep the floor as I run around the place.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/pulling_arses_out_of_fires/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>workhoopbroomunited-nationshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/pulling_arses_out_of_fires/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/chickens_dickens_teachers_and_aardvarks/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-06:/2005/06/06/chickens_dickens_teachers_and_aardvarks/Mon, 06 Jun 2005 14:01:20 +0200 <p>I know the title sounds like a firm of lawyers but I have to attract your attention somehow.</p> <p>Back to the subject of school. What is it with teachers at the local school? </p> <p>They inform the children that they are putting on a production of Oliver Twist, the musical. Then they decide that they don’t want to pay for the Lionel Bart version so they delete the songs and add songs that they think they can get away with without copyright issues. So we are going to end up with Bill Sykes sings The beatles "And I love Her."</p> <p>Then they all go off to the pub and carve up the roles between themselves so that Fagin, Oliver, Beadle, The Artful Dodger, Bill Sykes and Nancy are all played by a member of staff rather than the kids. The daughter and her evil assistant, who are both so precocious that they make the cast of Harry Potter look retiring, get the best roles for children as apple sellers.</p> <p>Apparently they have added an extra character to the play in the form of a large yellow chicken played by a member of staff who happens to won a large yellow chicken outfit.</p> <p>Thank Christ that Dickens had a sense of humour or he would be revolving like a fan right now.</p> <p>I can’t wait until next year when they perform Macbeth with one of the staff dressed as an Aardvark.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/chickens_dickens_teachers_and_aardvarks/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chickenplaydickensteachersschoolhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/chickens_dickens_teachers_and_aardvarks/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/dressmaking_for_men_in_night_vision_gogg/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-06:/2005/06/06/dressmaking_for_men_in_night_vision_gogg/Mon, 06 Jun 2005 13:46:34 +0200 <p>The wife informed me on Friday night that we had until Tuesday to produce a costume for our 10 year old daughter who was playing the role of an apple seller in the school production of Oliver Twist.</p> <p>The wife was all for spending the day searching for a dress that reached the ground, looked Victorian and would match the green bonnet that she made last year. </p> <p>Rearrange these words into a well known phrase or saying…….."JOSE WAY NO."</p> <p>So a quick trip to Marks and Spencer and ten minutes in the local fabric shop and away I went.</p> <p>I’m impressed.</p> <p>Once in a while I even impress myself.</p> <p>By Sunday afternoon, besides all the other weekend tasks I had made a Victorian fitted skirt, sash waist band with a green cloth rose and then modified a school shirt to remove the collar and add lace to the collar, cuffs and front.</p> <p>Oddly enough, you rarely meet a civilian man who can sew properly and you rarely meet a soldier who can’t.</p> <p>The downside was trying to get a new lamp for my sewing machine. Have you ever tried to buy a simple thing like a 240v, 15 watt ses lamp? Even the sewing shops were suggesting other shops in towns 20 miles away. Maplin could only do one in green……I’ll remember that if I ever have to do dress making wearing night vision goggles.</p> <p>Why are simple tasks so difficult….buying a lamp should not be akin to pushing a marble up Mont Blanc with a pool cue.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/dressmaking_for_men_in_night_vision_gogg/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>dressmakingnight-visiondickenssewinghttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/06/dressmaking_for_men_in_night_vision_gogg/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/nobody_likes_a_bullshitter/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-05:/2005/06/05/nobody_likes_a_bullshitter/Sun, 05 Jun 2005 22:24:58 +0200 <p>A fact; nobody likes a bullshitter. They make the world go round, every industry has them and some even manage to spiral upwards by leaving each position before they are caught. The military however has a unique love of bulshitters. One of the most derided characters known to all soldiers is the Incredible Bullshitting Man, aka IBM</p> <p>IBM is the character who comes back from a week on leave and tells you about the car crash that he saw…the one where he managed to get the door off the car with his Swiss Army Knife and then applied a tourniquet to the baby’s neck to stop it bleeding to death through its ears. After that the mother was bitten by an adder whilst sitting in the grass at the side of the road so he cut the bite and sucked the venom out.</p> <p>IBM can be found all over the place, though. Every pub has an IBM……generally a short sighted bloke of 300lb weight who nods and winks and hints at his time in “Nam” on secondment when anyone with an ounce of knowledge realises that he is referring to FarNhAM. In fact Farnham is the closest he has been to Aldershot, a garrison town par excellence where even the women are hard as nails.</p> <p>However, I can remember chatting to girls in pubs in my younger days and laying it on thickly, nay, trowelling on the acts of bravery and derring do; Anything to get within sniffing distance of a portion of gusset.</p> <p>Show me a squaddie who hasn’t done this and I’ll show you a liar……and that includes the Chaplains Department.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/nobody_likes_a_bullshitter/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>armyhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/nobody_likes_a_bullshitter/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/bratwurst_and_archduke_ferdinand/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-05:/2005/06/05/bratwurst_and_archduke_ferdinand/Sun, 05 Jun 2005 20:39:25 +0200 <p>I have never been a loyal supermarket customer, in fact I will shop anywhere except Tescos on the grounds that their morals and customer service stink. One day I will rant about Tescos and it won’t just be about crooked major shareholders and jerrymanders.</p> <p>Today was the day each month that we stock up on fruit juice and biscuits etc. for the kids packed lunches and so off we went to LIDL.</p> <p>The thing that always strikes me when I go into LIDL is that I am the only person in there who isn’t either a suspicious looking Turko-Balkan on the hunt for the last living relative of Archduke Ferdinand near the cheese or an obvious care in the community subject.</p> <p>If you can get past the embarrassment of being seen in the place then you have access to some cracking products….where else in the UK can you buy bratwurst and bockwurst? Not just these either, there were fresh bratties and tinned bratties, even bratties in jars.</p> <p>The old Turko-Balkan chaps were lapping it up. The thought of these guys, who have yet to cotton on that only militant gays and former members of the SAS wear moustaches like that these days……anyway, the thought of these moustachioed characters feeding bratwurst into their chops is somehow reminiscent of some of the more esoteric German videos.</p> <p>Oddly when I leave LIDL I have mixed feelings. I feel enervated that I have bought such wondrous products so cheaply yet at the same time I have my collar turned up and a balaclava helmet on in case someone I know sees me.</p> <p>I often have to socially cleanse myself by driving across town and buying some pate, or perhaps a packet of quail’s eggs in Waitrose.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/bratwurst_and_archduke_ferdinand/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lidlbratwursthttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/05/bratwurst_and_archduke_ferdinand/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/laptops_the_devil_s_computer/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-04:/2005/06/04/laptops_the_devil_s_computer/Sat, 04 Jun 2005 01:30:34 +0200 <p>I have been writing this on a laptop.</p> <p>Have you got one? Have you ever tried working on one?</p> <p>I am not the smallest man on the planet, in fact, having a 48 inch chest makes using a laptop very interesting. Giving me a laptop is like expecting a Dalek to hand weave Harris Tweed or asking two arms, seperated by a vast distance, to work from opposing angles to hand weave something.</p> <p>I will check the spellings later when I am not using The Devil's Computer. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/laptops_the_devil_s_computer/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/laptops_the_devil_s_computer/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/big_gay_dave_the_bad_heterosexual/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-04:/2005/06/04/big_gay_dave_the_bad_heterosexual/Sat, 04 Jun 2005 01:25:11 +0200 <p>Big Gay Dave.</p> <p>I first met Dave about 4 years ago in the pub across the road. Dave is blonde, athletic and 6 feet 8 inches.</p> <p>It would be logical to assume that he would be knee deep in women.</p> <p>I found out that Dave is the grandson of The Frou Frou Bat, a barking mad woman in her late 70’s who lives near my mother……300 miles away. A very scary coincidence.</p> <p>Dave seems to talk about women in the abstract but is rarely seen with one. Dave is very keen to go to the gym or the pool with men. </p> <p>Dave is so far back in the closet that his house shows up on maps of Narnia.</p> <p>I don't care what he gets up to, whether it involves hamsters or KY jelly and a bust of Winston Churchill but I have an urge to be really nosey. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/big_gay_dave_the_bad_heterosexual/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>churchillgayclosetnarniahttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/big_gay_dave_the_bad_heterosexual/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/trolls_without_billy_goats/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-04:/2005/06/04/trolls_without_billy_goats/Sat, 04 Jun 2005 01:15:12 +0200 <p>Have you ever had to deal with a troll? There are certain creatures on the interweb thingy that just get off on causing trouble.</p> <p>MiB is a moderator for a military website and on this site we have had a very well planned troll. It took me a few days to realise that this was a troll rather than a really stupid woman……I admit this person was GOOD.</p> <p>I even bit and informed them on the forum that they were so boring that they made my kidneys ache.</p> <p>Now our glorious leader has blocked the IP and banned the troll.</p> <p>Tomorrow we will have another….the army attracts trolls; one would think that with all the guns it would scare the wildlife but so many trolls start off as women trying to shag a soldier and then end up biter and twisted.</p> <p>By the way, I also popped out for a late eveing beer and bumped into Big Gay Dave.</p> <p>Dave is the worst "heterosexual" on the planet. The guy is so far back in the closet that he is registered to vote in Narnia.</p> <p>I don't see what his problem is beyond the obvious denial.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/trolls_without_billy_goats/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/04/trolls_without_billy_goats/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/the_evening_meal/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-03:/2005/06/03/the_evening_meal/Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:00:23 +0200 <p>This evening we all ended up in the local plastic pizza chain being served by Mr Scarface; Just my luck. On duty were the 19 year old pretty one with the dark hair and the one in her early twenties with the heavy eye make up and bleached hair. Both oddly ornamental in their own way.</p> <p>Anyway, toward the end of the meal the beasts started their weekly game of Eye Spy.</p> <p>Eventually small beast spied with his little eye "something begining with WP"</p> <p>After five minutes and three surrenders he pointed to the plastic lid of his cola and said, "Wheel of Power."</p> <p>Does this kid;</p> <p>a) Watch too much TV.<br> b) Live in a parallel universe.<br> c) Have a suprising grasp of corporate culture for an 8 year old.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/the_evening_meal/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>pizzakidshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/the_evening_meal/#commentshttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/day_one_9/tag:maninblack.blog.co.uk,2005-06-03:/2005/06/03/day_one_9/Fri, 03 Jun 2005 15:07:13 +0200 <p>I got bored whilst feeding lunch to the kids and doing the laundry. </p> <p>You may wonder why I am doing laundry on a work day.....perhaps you don't wonder or even care. I don't care whether you care or not but I know that.....oh forget it.</p> <p>It is the last week day of the school holiday and it coincides with a day off work. No peace for the wicked. I got bored, typed "blog" into google and ended up here.</p> <p>I could start with a revelation (incidentally revelation as a word always makes me think of family holidays as it used to be a brand of suitcase) but I don't know you that well.</p> <p>Normally on a day off I would have a light fried breakfast at the local cafe, know as "The Sullen Bitch" because of the friendly staff, then proceed home, do some laundry, mop the floor and spend the afternoon snorting coke from a hooker's buttocks.</p> <p>Today i get to spend the morning surfing the interweb thingy witout the chance to look at rude women due to the presence if said kids.</p> <p>THOUGHT; How would you explain to the kids what you were doing if you were caught "in flagrante porno"?</p> <p>"I was just looking for some underwear ideas for your mum's birthday!"<br> "I must have a redirecting virus, I was trying to book a holiday to Eurodisney so don't tell anyone."<br> "It is a gron up thing."<br> "Tell anyone and I'll puree yout teddy."</p> <p>Oh well, off to Crappy Caves, the local children's play place where all the mums will think I am divorced because I am with the kids without another woman. Every cloud has a silver lining.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/day_one_9/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>divorcelaundryhttp://maninblack.blog.co.uk/2005/06/03/day_one_9/#comments